Convincing Façade
by TinaLynne
Summary: No one knows how she really feels, she's perfected the bright smile and cheerful tone. She had lots of practice when she was a little girl so it's no longer a challenge.'


Convincing Façade  
  
Rating PG  
  
Pairing: Calleigh/?  
  
Spoilers: Double Cap, Blood Bros.  
  
A/N: I'm feeling sick and kind of down as a result and was inspired by reading Jacqueline and Yana's latest fics so I thought I'd write a standalone fic of my own, exploring a darker side of Calleigh.  
  
She enters her apartment, flicking on the light and locking the door behind her. She pauses for a moment, hearing nothing but the sound of silence in the empty apartment. Stepping out of her shoes and draping her coat on the back of the nearest chair she heads for the bedroom. Quickly stripping down she grabs her robe and ties it snugly around her waist. All she wants right now is a hot bath. Dinner can wait.   
  
Stepping into the water she gasps for a moment at the temperature. It's hot, almost too much but she forces herself to get in the rest of the way. Inhaling the raspberry scent of the bubbles that surround her, Calleigh breathes deeply, letting her whole body relax. She forces all reminders of the previous day out of her mind as she focuses on releasing the tension she's been holding inside all day.  
  
Everyone around her is happy but it doesn't change the fact that she's miserable inside. Tired of being alone and wondering when things will ever change for her. She finds herself repeating the same patterns, day after day.  
  
She'll continue to do her job with all of the passion she can muster, be the one people can count on when they need anything. Whether it be her father needing a ride home from the pub, which was happening more and more, or one of her co-workers needing someone to vent to. She'd always be there, the dependable, rational one. Saying all the right words.   
  
No one knows how she really feels, she's perfected the bright smile and cheerful tone. She had lots of practice when she was a little girl so it's no longer a challenge. They all see what's on the outside, compliment her new haircut, admire her new shoes. She loves the attention, for a moment she can believe she's happy too.  
  
Grabbing her shaving foam she lathers up both legs and before long they're silky smooth under her fingers. She eyes the razor, wondering who she's doing this for. Herself, of course. She doesn't need a man to make her feel like a woman. She's not doing this because she thinks there's a possibility there will be a knock on her door tonight, signaling a change of heart. She knows that won't ever happen, whether she wishes it or not.   
  
Knowing that doesn't stop the longing that fills her every time they're in the same room. The sound of his voice makes her heart leap in her chest and she wonders why she always wants someone she can't have. She remembers the feeling of his hands circling her waist and his lips on her neck and wonders if she'll ever feel as safe and loved as she did when she was with him.  
  
She's afraid that she'll be alone forever, watching from a safe distance as everyone that she knows finds the happiness that has always eluded her. She hasn't told anyone how she feels, especially him.  
  
She's come close a couple of times, looked into his kind eyes and wanted to let it all out, her dreams, her fears...It's not like he's her world, far from it. She loves her job, her friends and family but sometimes they just aren't enough. Being with him had made her feel like the center of everything. Someone wanted to take care of her for once.  
  
But he wasn't ready. She deserved better than he could ever give her, he had said. That wasn't how she saw it but realized he probably just didn't want to hurt her feelings. It was just a typical breakup line that she'd used herself. Maybe she shouldn't have been so particular in the past. She might have been happy if she'd just let herself. Just like she knows he would be happy if he would just let himself be loved by her.   
  
Eyeing the razor again she wonders what would happen if she was suddenly gone. Would anyone really miss her? Would her death create the same empty hole that would appear if any of the ones she loved were taken from her? Would he change his mind about pushing her away and wish he could turn back the clock and give their love a chance?  
  
She laughs quietly, a bitter laugh because she knows that she is too much of a coward to ever find out. She will go on, trying to find a reason to get up each morning and keep putting that smile on her face to convince everyone that everything is as is should be. Maybe someday she'll even convince herself.  
  
The End 


End file.
